[c=black]A relationship is a connection and exchange between people. Communication plays a large role in the exchange between people. It exchanges information in the form of ideas, wants, desires, feelings, and much more. Incomplete or stopped communication can create a block in the relationship. The degree of the block can vary with the severity or repeating of the communication stop. A block in the relationship exists or will grow when communication is just flat out avoided.
A childhood covenant that I made was to avoid upsetting other people. Now this did not always give me good behavior. Instead, it got me to avoid communicating any topics that I perceived would upset someone else. However, in adult relationships, this behavior only avoided the hard issues that people have to work through for the relationship to be healthy and to grow.
A communication avoidance or stop will prevent that topic from being shared and gone through. When enough of these areas build up or a couple important ones develop, it behaves as if there were clamps on the lungs of the relationship. The relationship has trouble breathing. Without this exchange of life energy, the relationship cannot grow, it may struggle, and if it is severe enough, then the relationship suffers and dies. The relationship can be considered to be a living entity just as each one of us are living. There has to be a continuous flow of energy through each and every living entity. The flow is between each partner of the relationship and between the relating partners and the environment. Just as in an individual body, when the energy is blocked or stopped, a disease or illness starts to develop. The key for a healthy and growing relationship is to keep the communications flowing.
Communication can be stopped in a variety of ways. Avoidance was already mentioned. If both partners avoid the same subject, then it will never arise in conversation. If only one is avoiding the subject, they might just stop the conversation when that topic comes up. This is usually obvious. They might also divert the conversation and depending on their skill, this can be obvious or it can be done without notice. In either case, that aspect of the relationship that reflects that subject will cease to move. However, if the other partner notices the diversion or avoidance, then the interpretations or stories that the person puts on the avoidance can magnify the effect. And some people are good at creating some very negative interpretations for minor events.
Nonverbal communication can be even trickier. People put a lot of communication into nonverbal forms. This is especially true when people are approaching new romantic situations. Many people are not comfortable verbalizing enough of the romantic details. So the approach to romance is mostly through nonverbal signals. However, when the flow is broken, if the reason is not sufficiently verbalized, (such as, "I would love to ..., but right now because of ...) then the break is often taken as a permanent "no" or stop. This is why many people feel that they have only one chance as they enter a new relationship.
If you recognize that you are having difficulty in starting a communication topic, there are a variety of ways to get it going. If you can't say what you need to, you may be able to write it instead. If you can't approach a person directly, you can enlist the help of another friend to bring up the topic in front of the write person. You can also arrange items or events to cause a discussion of the appropriate topic. Sometimes you cannot talk about something because it got labeled as something to not talk about, so you don't talk about it at all with anyone. In this case, if you can find someone to tell, it will help to remove the power that item holds over you. It will usually be easier to tell someone who is removed from the subject. You can tell a stranger in a bar, a priest in a confessional, or a room of strangers in a therapy workshop. Whatever gets the flow moving is good and will reduce the power of that item. However, once a stuck item is nudged, then other communications or actions may be required to keep the energy of the release of the subject continuing. You have to pay attention to see what is needed.
However, paying attention is an important half of communication. Communication is part giving and part receiving. Both parts are necessary by both partners for good communications. Some people are good listeners and some are good talkers, but both partners have to do both for complete and effective communication. Communications can be stopped on both sides, by avoidance of the giving or telling, and by avoidance of the receiving. Attention has to be given to both sides of communication to insure that the communication remains completed by both partners and that stops or blocks are addressed and released to allow the relationship to grow in a healthy fashion.
benhwang's blog
When we experience physical pain, we reach out for painkillers. But when it comes to emotional pain, there seems to be no reliable way to find relief.As a result, many turn to anti-depressants, alcohol and other self-destructive options.
As you know, the culprit behind all emotional pain is our own thought process. When we experience emotional pain, we tend to become entangled in self-defeating thoughts. Then, all we think about is our suffering, our pain.
We wallow in self-pity. Sure enough, we find ourselves in a quicksand of pessimism and hopelessness until the pain becomes unbearable.
I have discovered that there is an effective and safe remedy to relieve emotional pain without resorting to pills, or abusing substances. Best of all, this remedy is available to everyone for free. It's called compassion.
The word compassion comes from the Latin compati meaning “to suffer together”. Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines compassion as “the sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.”
From the definition, we understand that compassion shifts your focus from self to another. When we're compassionate, we get involved in another's pain and, in the process, our own sense of misery diminishes.
Thus, compassion works by making us forget our problems as we help others deal with theirs. If you're in the middle of an emotional turmoil, activate your compassionate side—it works wonders.
Compassion can be likened to a painkiller, except that physical painkillers offer temporary relief whereas compassion has long-term effects. Scientific research endorses the therapeutic power of compassion.
According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, those who demonstrated high levels of compassion for others were more receptive to social support, enabling them to better handle acute psychological stress and maintain overall wellbeing.
Although compassion is an inherent aspect of all human beings, in most people, it remains a dormant virtue.
If you wish to activate or augment your compassionate side, try compassion meditation, which involves focusing on a loved one and wishing for that person to be relieved of pain and sorrow, and then extending this to strangers, adversaries, and even the entire sentient world.[1]
What makes compassion really worth the shot is that not only does it help alleviate our own pain but it also helps lessen another person's agony. Two, for the price of one!
acording to Lord Acton, a British historian of the late19th and early 20th centuries, "Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely." So, is the widespread corruption surrounding the XIX Commonwealth Games a result of absolute power vested in the hands of a few individuals?
I reckon most people would subscribe to this view. But, in my view, blaming power for corruption is like blaming the kitchen knife a criminal uses for committing homicide, for the deed. The same knife, say in the hands of a loving mother, aids in making a nourishing meal for her children. So, the knife does not provoke the murder—it only facilitates the inherent intent of the murderer.
Just like the knife doesn't kill, power doesn't corrupt. Contemplate a bit and you'll realise that people who appear to have become corrupt after gaining power, were actually corrupt by nature. Power merely provided them an opportunity to bring their corrupt core to the fore.
Neither corruption, nor honesty is an acquired trait—it's our disposition. Power simply reveals it. Exploitation of power is common, so it may be logical to blame power for corruption. Yet, power is innocent. In the hands of inherently bad people it becomes evil. Likewise, in the hands of the conscientious, it becomes an effective means of doing good.
That brings me to the meaning of power. To common folks, power appears to be in the hands of a chosen few: politicians, celebrities, businessmen, sports stars and the like. But are such people really powerful? Being able to control or influence others is not power—perhaps the correct word is strength. With strength you may control, influence, persuade or even force others. With power you can influence and control your own thoughts. So, authentic power is about being able to exercise control on self rather than on others. In other words, it's about your character, not your strength.
Only those who are able to resist the temptation to abuse their strength are truly powerful. The rest may have the muscle, but possess weak character.
This means that as long as your character is sound, you are powerful, regardless of how much strength or authority you have at your disposal. On the other hand, if you have at your disposal all the wealth, fame, authority or command in the world, but don't have the power over your own thoughts, are you truly powerful?
I reckon most people would subscribe to this view. But, in my view, blaming power for corruption is like blaming the kitchen knife a criminal uses for committing homicide, for the deed. The same knife, say in the hands of a loving mother, aids in making a nourishing meal for her children. So, the knife does not provoke the murder—it only facilitates the inherent intent of the murderer.
Just like the knife doesn't kill, power doesn't corrupt. Contemplate a bit and you'll realise that people who appear to have become corrupt after gaining power, were actually corrupt by nature. Power merely provided them an opportunity to bring their corrupt core to the fore.
Neither corruption, nor honesty is an acquired trait—it's our disposition. Power simply reveals it. Exploitation of power is common, so it may be logical to blame power for corruption. Yet, power is innocent. In the hands of inherently bad people it becomes evil. Likewise, in the hands of the conscientious, it becomes an effective means of doing good.
That brings me to the meaning of power. To common folks, power appears to be in the hands of a chosen few: politicians, celebrities, businessmen, sports stars and the like. But are such people really powerful? Being able to control or influence others is not power—perhaps the correct word is strength. With strength you may control, influence, persuade or even force others. With power you can influence and control your own thoughts. So, authentic power is about being able to exercise control on self rather than on others. In other words, it's about your character, not your strength.
Only those who are able to resist the temptation to abuse their strength are truly powerful. The rest may have the muscle, but possess weak character.
This means that as long as your character is sound, you are powerful, regardless of how much strength or authority you have at your disposal. On the other hand, if you have at your disposal all the wealth, fame, authority or command in the world, but don't have the power over your own thoughts, are you truly powerful?
Just suppose you could open your heart to love in order to find the strength to forgive.
How often have you found yourself experiencing some kind of circumstance in which you find forgiving someone (or maybe even yourself) nearly impossible.
In the past you may have thought that holding on to feelings of resentment or judgment simply felt safer, that you wanted people to change before you were going to be willing to forgive them.
Know in your mind now that you will be able to discover another answer to finding the strength to forgive.
More and more, starting today, you feel the power to forgive as you begin to practice a simple listening to the Heart meditation on a daily basis.
Each morning as you awake, make yourself comfortable and allow yourself 10 minutes to simply listen to your heart and what it has to say.
One of the most effective ways to do this meditation is by closing your eyes and focusing your attention on the middle of your chest, where your Heart Center is.
And as you become aware of your heart as a space don't try to hear your heartbeat or any other sound you think your heart makes. Simply become aware of that point where feeling enter.
As you do so, you might begin to notice that in its purest form this point of awareness is empty, absence of care with a sense of peace that may have a subtle light.
Let me remind you that as you allow your attention to easily rest in that space you can begin to breathe gently and sense your breath going into your heart center and as you do so allow your heart to express itself.
As you do this, let your inner mind let go of those feelings of resentment and judgment.
Learn to trust your subconscious mind as it is ready now to forgive whoever needs to be forgiven as you find the strength to let go even more.
More than that, you will also be glad to know that nothing is beyond the power of your subconscious mind.
Starting today, as you let yourself awaken each morning by listening to your heart you will find yourself becoming more empowered to shape and create your own life in addition to being able to find the strength to let go of the feelings of resentment and judgment.
And as you forgive others you might find yourself pleasantly surprised as you begin to realize that many of the people you have forgiven have changed more and more into the person you wanted them to become before you could find the strength to forgive them.
How often have you found yourself experiencing some kind of circumstance in which you find forgiving someone (or maybe even yourself) nearly impossible.
In the past you may have thought that holding on to feelings of resentment or judgment simply felt safer, that you wanted people to change before you were going to be willing to forgive them.
Know in your mind now that you will be able to discover another answer to finding the strength to forgive.
More and more, starting today, you feel the power to forgive as you begin to practice a simple listening to the Heart meditation on a daily basis.
Each morning as you awake, make yourself comfortable and allow yourself 10 minutes to simply listen to your heart and what it has to say.
One of the most effective ways to do this meditation is by closing your eyes and focusing your attention on the middle of your chest, where your Heart Center is.
And as you become aware of your heart as a space don't try to hear your heartbeat or any other sound you think your heart makes. Simply become aware of that point where feeling enter.
As you do so, you might begin to notice that in its purest form this point of awareness is empty, absence of care with a sense of peace that may have a subtle light.
Let me remind you that as you allow your attention to easily rest in that space you can begin to breathe gently and sense your breath going into your heart center and as you do so allow your heart to express itself.
As you do this, let your inner mind let go of those feelings of resentment and judgment.
Learn to trust your subconscious mind as it is ready now to forgive whoever needs to be forgiven as you find the strength to let go even more.
More than that, you will also be glad to know that nothing is beyond the power of your subconscious mind.
Starting today, as you let yourself awaken each morning by listening to your heart you will find yourself becoming more empowered to shape and create your own life in addition to being able to find the strength to let go of the feelings of resentment and judgment.
And as you forgive others you might find yourself pleasantly surprised as you begin to realize that many of the people you have forgiven have changed more and more into the person you wanted them to become before you could find the strength to forgive them.
One thing I'd like to point out is that women have an amazing sense of intuition. Often times, it can be accurate enough to the point where it seems like they can READ your mind. This is especially true when it comes to figuring out what you're feeling and how you feel about yourself.
I remember a time a few years back when one of my friends who wasn't very good with women was talking to a female friend that I know. From my viewpoint, he wasn't doing too bad but he also couldn't seem to get her attracted to him. Afterwards we talked about what happened and he confessed to me how nervous he was, and how he felt like she was out of his league. But that he was trying very hard not to let it show. He was pretty sure she probably couldn't tell. I agreed with him because I never would of guessed that was what he was feeling.
Then a few days later I got talking to the female friend and the topic naturally drifted to the conversation she had with my other friend. I asked her how she felt about him and I was amazed at her response. She said that she could sense he was very nervous talking to her and that he felt he didn't measure up. And because of that, she didn't feel any sort of attraction for him.
I was floored.
As it turns out, women are REALLY good at reading emotions in other people. Which means you need to be 100% congruent and authentic or you'll come across as fake to women.
So what can you do and how can you come across as a man who is authentic and who feels like he is her equal?
It all boils down to confidence and how you view yourself. You need to build a strong and capable self image for yourself.
Your self image is basically an image of who you are as a person that you carry around inside. Take some time to figure out what kind of a man you want to be. Write down all the personality traits that your ideal self would embody. Then make plans to acquire those traits.
Close your eyes and make a mental image of your ideal self. The clearer you can make the image, the more compelled you are to achieve it. It could be a still picture in your mind or an animated sequence.
Keep asking yourself the question "Am I the kind of person I'd like to be?" And if not, keep refining who you are. Do this on a weekly basis and keep yourself accountable for being true to yourself. Once you've built a strong and powerful self image that you absolutely love, you can bet women will love it too.
I remember a time a few years back when one of my friends who wasn't very good with women was talking to a female friend that I know. From my viewpoint, he wasn't doing too bad but he also couldn't seem to get her attracted to him. Afterwards we talked about what happened and he confessed to me how nervous he was, and how he felt like she was out of his league. But that he was trying very hard not to let it show. He was pretty sure she probably couldn't tell. I agreed with him because I never would of guessed that was what he was feeling.
Then a few days later I got talking to the female friend and the topic naturally drifted to the conversation she had with my other friend. I asked her how she felt about him and I was amazed at her response. She said that she could sense he was very nervous talking to her and that he felt he didn't measure up. And because of that, she didn't feel any sort of attraction for him.
I was floored.
As it turns out, women are REALLY good at reading emotions in other people. Which means you need to be 100% congruent and authentic or you'll come across as fake to women.
So what can you do and how can you come across as a man who is authentic and who feels like he is her equal?
It all boils down to confidence and how you view yourself. You need to build a strong and capable self image for yourself.
Your self image is basically an image of who you are as a person that you carry around inside. Take some time to figure out what kind of a man you want to be. Write down all the personality traits that your ideal self would embody. Then make plans to acquire those traits.
Close your eyes and make a mental image of your ideal self. The clearer you can make the image, the more compelled you are to achieve it. It could be a still picture in your mind or an animated sequence.
Keep asking yourself the question "Am I the kind of person I'd like to be?" And if not, keep refining who you are. Do this on a weekly basis and keep yourself accountable for being true to yourself. Once you've built a strong and powerful self image that you absolutely love, you can bet women will love it too.
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